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a new key -- 2003-06-24 D. and I had our first "tiff" last night. Not quite a fight, but we were both upset and half crying. She thinks I'm going to change my mind about her, she says she knows I love her now, but what about in twenty years - when she's 65 and I'm only 45? I told her not to worry, but she says she can't be hurt anymore, she's had enough. I know what she feels like, I've had enough pain for two lifetimes myself. But she struck a chord. What if I *don't* find her attractive in twenty years? She doesn't want me to change my mind, and she kind of implied that if I was going to change my mind, I should do it now, before it gets too serious. And she asked me if I had really thought it through, the age difference, and what it would mean. I guess I have, but then she started talking about mother nature, and getting older. She says she'll be an old lady when I'll still be quite young. She'll leave me on earth before I'm ready to go. I guess that's true. This whole conversation took place last night, and neither of us slept very well. This morning she said she wouldn't bring it up anymore, and that she trusted me when I said that I loved her. And then we took a very loving shower together, ate breakfast, and although we were quiet, I felt a closeness. She then gave me a key to her place. The first time I've had a key to a girlfriend's. Pretty special. She just dropped me off at home, she's off to work. My stomach is funny and I'm upset. I just don't know what to think anymore. I love her. But I can't read the future and I don't know what to tell her. I want to be in the present, not obsessed about the future. So here I am with a new key and more doubts. And I'm not quite sure what to do now...
Norway trip - 2004-07-08 |
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