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insecurities -- 2003-06-22 Things with Debbie are going fine, for the most part, although the situation with her mother is definitely stressing her out. Her mother is out of town, and expects D. to go out to see her every weekend. Quite difficult for a lawyer who happens to be starting a new relationship. She wants to spend time with me, but she said that the time with me was "borrowed". That made me feel really sad. I was hurt, I couldn't help it. It just reminded me so much of Ghislaine. Ugh. She immediately apologized, and felt awful about it. I told her it was okay, that I knew what time constraints were, but I still felt bad. I don't want another girlfriend who has to schedule me in! Fuck! That being said, I think she honestly felt bad, and the situation she is in is completely different from G.'s. I think it will be okay. D. is insecure though. I told her about another ex, Marje, who still has feelings for me, and it has made her paranoid. I couldn't not tell her though, because M. is around, and she probably would have found out regardless. I don't want to keep anything from D. either, I don't want secrets from each other. Debbie told me about her ex who is a complete nutcase, so I told her about M. Maybe it was a mistake, because now D. is thinking I will eventually end up with M. I have reassured her as much as possible, and I think the only thing that is going to convince her is time. If I wanted to be with M. I would be. I want to be with Debbie. The end. Although D. was out of town this weekend, we talked on the phone quite a bit, and I really heard her insecurities coming through. She has been burned in the past. But haven't we all? I don't want to live thinking about what will happen in the future! I can't see into the future, and I don't want to make promises I can't keep. I think D. and I really have to get away from talking about the future because it's really stressing me out. I can't vow to be with her yet. If we get married, that's a different story. I would take my vows very seriously. But right now I just want to have fun. I want to think of the future a little bit, but I don't want to focus on it completely, then there is no living in the here and now. I think I'll bring this up with D. The one thing that is really great about us is that we can have a mature conversation and I don't have to worry about all this dyke drama. I can't stand that. :)
Norway trip - 2004-07-08 |
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