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last night -- 2003-06-16 Why does this happen to me? Life is going perfectly and my fears get in the way. I have a woman who loves me, but one comment (not even critical, but it reminded me of the ex) and I got a funny feeling in my stomach like I had to escape. I went home half an hour later, worried, sick to my stomach. Debbie is not going to hurt me. She loves me. She wasn't being critical. I was being paranoid. I've been hurt before. It's been implied to me before that I'm not "pulling my weight". And it hangs on the back of my brain like a dead weight. It won't go away. If D. and I actually ever move in together I would make sure I was doing my part and more. She doesn't need to worry about that! But she was making the bed this morning and said "we're not going to be one of those couples who have specific duties. It is *not* going to be one-sided". To me, it sounded so emphatic. I got scared. Her tone was all-business. She tends to be anal about cleaning/neatness. I hate feeling trapped, and kind of like being messy sometimes. I have never got out of bed and made it within minutes. It's just not me. This is going to be different. And getting over my hurt/paranoia from Ghislaine is still not complete. When will I be free from her criticism? In any case, D. spent the day in the office yesterday, and picked me up after supper last night. We had a great night talking and laughing, and just vegging out. We needed that. We went to bed and had mind-blowing sex - with lots of expressions of love in between. She makes me feel like no other woman I have *EVER* been with. She makes me feel incredibly sexy, which makes me more open and willing. I want to make love to her all the time. I want to be one with her, I can't get close enough. She rocks my world...
Norway trip - 2004-07-08 |
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