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promise -- 2003-06-05 I wanted to type this out to have it on file (from my paper journal)... On Tuesday I called D. and asked her to go on a walk with me. We've been out on a few coffees, out to a concert, and saw a movie together, all on her invitation, so I wanted to make sure she knew that I wanted to spend time with her too. She seemed happy to hear from me, and agreed. She picked me up in her truck, and we drove out to view the icebergs. It was kind of cold so we didn't even get out of the truck, we just looked out with her binoculars and watched the sunset together. We talked a lot. I knew this woman was special, and I knew I was really loving spending time with her. We were only friends at this point. But the connection was there. We talked about personal things, and then got to talking about past hurts, issues with exes and the like. She revealed how hurt she was in the past, and I commiserated with my own pain. We opened up. She told me she was afraid of hurting someone, getting hurt in return. I thought then that maybe she wasn't ready to date. But I wanted to know for sure. She replied that in fact she was ready to date, but wasn't sure of a few things. I could feel her fear of falling in love and not having it work out. I recognized it because I have felt it myself. She had too many fears and I could hear the doubt in her mind. I could feel my heart sinking. But in an instant, everything changed because I agreed with her. I didn't want her to do anything she didn't want to do. She said to me how comfortable she felt with me, watching the movie, and then said that maybe we could go slow. That was fine with me. When I said that, the softest "okay" came out of her mouth, and she looked so beautiful, almost amazed that I had said that. But it was okay, in my heart, I would wait for her. I started to talk then, about fear and love, risk and doubt. It is true that if we don't take risks we don't fall in love, and if we believe our doubts and fears then society is succeeding in conforming us to a model suited to them. And I told her that I would rather take that risk, for love. And then I told her how special I thought she was. She looked at me and told me what a nice person I was. At around this time of our talking, she came up with another "reason" we shouldn't date. I just looked at her and asked if she was trying to change my mind about her. It was then that she reached for my hand and closed her fingers around me. The charge was electric. I couldn't explain it if I tried, there we were opening our hearts and minds to love, and our first touch was our fingers, together, curled around one another, that vital touch, a connection started. Her face softened towards me, and she replied "not at all". We sat quietly in the truck for a moment, alone in the parking lot, the sun long gone and the wind having deterred all other sight-seers. Just feeling each other's hands. I laughed then, remembering how I had awoken at 6 that morning, and told her it was her fault for telling me what time she awoke (I rarely arise before 8!). She laughed and told me that she had slept in, and that *that* was my fault! Then before I knew it her lips were on mine, and we kissed, so slowly, tenderly, softly. I whispered to her mouth "are you sure?" She kissed me again and again in response. After touching hands her lips were even more charged with emotion and I felt tears come to my eyes. It was so beautiful and such a passionate moment, in heart, body and soul. We broke apart and she whistered "yes" to my question, and I gently kissed her cheek, her forehead and put my arm softly around her waist. We talked a bit more but mostly we kissed and held each other. And then I made her promise to tell me if it ever got too tough, too complicated, too painful. She promised me, and I promised back. The moment was equally as intense and as tender as any I can remember in my life. It was time to go home though, so we hesitantly drove back, holding hands all the way. Last night I saw D. again. She hadn't changed her mind, as part of me had feared, simply from the intensity of emotion revealed. I went to her place and we sat on the couch and kissed and touched and held each other. We got a lot out in the open on Tuesday night, and it released us I think. The night showed our worried, doubts and fears, which allowed us, in turn, to see our promise, faith and growing love...
Norway trip - 2004-07-08 |
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