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sad day -- 2003-04-15 What a day. It started off fine, I got up, went to work, and was enjoying learning some new procedures to enter the artisans' work into the computer, plus we got in some new hooked rugs with Newfoundland scenery on them. I was having a good morning. Then I was on my lunch break, luckily in the building, and my Dad showed up. My grandfather passed away this morning. It wasn't expected, even though he has been sick, he had been recovering nicely, and hadn't been in the hospital in quite awhile. It always rots me when people ask if it was expected, like that would make it any better, any easier to cope with? So, Dad and Mom drove out to Jamestown this afternoon, and I stayed here, mainly to keep some sort of normalcy. Plus, there's not that much room in my grandparents trailer - they moved out of their cabin in the woods because it wasn't safe to be that secluded - and me missing work, just to be in the way there, won't help anything. If there is a funeral, I will get Dad to drive out and get me, but likely there won't be a funeral. I think he wanted his body donated to science, as my grandmother does. I'm fighting the urge to say "ew". It's valuable for the medical students though. It will be weird to not have a funeral, but it might be easier, emotionally. I find them so draining, and exhausting. And I should know. Since I was in high school I've been to two uncles' (both young) and a grandfather. Needless to say, a fourth family member doesn't surprise me per se, as it does the frequency of my family's pain in the past years. It's also sinking in that this is going to become more and more frequent as relatives get older. I have two grandmothers left, and they *are* going to die. I have to come to that realization. My family has been a bit different though, two tragic deaths at age 33 - two uncles; one with AIDS, the other in an industrial accident. A brother of my father, first, then my mother. Deaths by old age in combination with a long illness seem kinder, gentler in a way. I hate the idea of suffering, endless pain, no end in sight. Listening to Melissa Etheridge live bootlegs on bust. I need loud and angry right now, because I am kind of numb. I left work very calmly, and went home and cooked a roast for me and my brother. Tomorrow I'll go to work because I'm not really sure what else to do, although they told me to take my time. And believe it or not, I already miss Mom and Dad. This is the first time I have stayed in the house when they haven't been home. I swear they never even went for a weekend out when I was younger. Only after I moved to Ottawa did they start doing things, going places. In that way my brother was lucky, he had more freedom, and he is more used to it. He stayed by himself while they went to Cuba, and so he is used to this big house by himself. I am used to a small apartment by myself, so this is a change. I just made a cup of tea. I don't know what I feel right now so I'm just trying to write. I feel strange, and I'm thinking of all the things I have to do if there is a funeral, cancel my work shifts, call someone to come take care of the dog. Worst of all, someone has to break this to my sister, and no one knows how she will react, or how bad it will be. And likely, it will be me to talk to her, because my parents trust me to keep her calm. Sigh
Norway trip - 2004-07-08 |
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