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i hate this -- 2003-04-09 My family knows that my sister has borderline personality disorder but there is not a damn thing we can do about it! She is in a different province, half across the country, and last night she threatened to hurt herself. She is scaring me. And on the phone she said in one breath that she hated her life, and she wanted to die. And then she said "I'm going to go to the psychologist." And pretty much hung up. I'm about a million miles away, and I don't know what to do. I'm freaking out and shaking and all I know is that her roommate took her to the hospital, where they would keep her for the night. I managed to tell her before she hung up that I loved her and for her not to hurt herself. She said she loved me too. I know she has an illness, borderline personality disorder. But she is my twin for chrissakes! Why is this happening? Why am I "normal" (in quotes, of course) and her not? Why does she want to hurt herself when she has a good job, loving family, and no history of sexual/physical abuse? In fact, growing up, she was admired and loved by everyone! I know this is a disease, quite possibly genetic. I know it's some sort of malfunction of the brain. But that doesn't make it easier, dammit. There is nothing we can do while my sister is falling falling falling and we can't catch her. We don't know what to do. My sister said she wanted to die. I don't know if it was like a threat to kill herself, but all the same. She is not here, it was on the phone, and I'm a million miles away. If anything happens to my twin then I will most certainly die of grief. Thank god I got in touch with the hospital. They said she is safe for the night. I have to stay strong for her. What a fucking oxymoron. I have to stay strong for someone a million goddam miles away who doesn't even care that this is killing me. She is going to quit the job she just took and fly home, likely. This is not a solution. I don't particularly agree with it, but arguing with someone with bpd is like trying to debate with a stick. Fuck.
Norway trip - 2004-07-08 |
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