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determination -- 2003-03-16 Finally, a non-peak time! Of course that may have to do with the fact that it is Sunday morning. I am drinking coffee (my favorite) and smelling the grand smells of a big turkey dinner that Mom got in her head to make. Yum! I don't know what the occasion is, we really only have turkey on Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter, so this is a real treat! Last night I went to see a Salvation Army concert with trumpeter Philip Smith, principal trumpet with the New York Philharmonic. This means he's the best trumpeter in all of New York! It was great, if not a little evangelical -I'm not really the Salvation Army type. I respect the faith a lot, it's just not for me. I don't know much about it either, for instance, are they welcoming of gay people? Anyway, I ran into an old prof from music school, said hi, and just generally chatted about what I was doing with my life. It was a perfectly fine conversation but I got really paranoid that he was judging me. He seemed surprised that I had applied to do my Ph.D. Like I couldn't do it or something!? ARGH. And then he had to tell me about one of his prodigy students who had just published. Gag. This is what I hate about academics. The competition. The rivalry. The sucking up to profs. And I won't do it anymore. I am sick of looking for this guy's approval. Yes he was my beloved band teacher, and I really liked him, but I think the second he heard I was gay he changed towards me. And I'm not going to waste my time trying to get acceptance from him. I can be a good music prof without his approval. I went home last night, and then promptly fell asleep and dreamt about the good doctor. I dreamed (dreamt?) that I did something wrong and he kicked me out of music school. He then sent me home like a twelve year old, to my parents for punishment. How long am I going to be tortured by my anxiety towards this guy? How long will it be before I realize that this is *one* prof, and not one that is even going to be on the consideration board for the Ph.D? Why am I so worried? I had a meeting with the director of the folklore department at MUN and he was very welcoming towards me. So I'm not too worried about getting in, just more of a fleeting thought - I hope I get in. Now that I know this is what I want to do, I have to prove myself to every damn prof that has ever judged me at the music school. I was never accepted there, and I'll be damned if I let them ruin my Ph.D. like they ruined my B.Mus. I am going to be the best thing they have seen in a long time - hard worker, consistent and ruthless. I am going to be a prof at that school. And I'll prove his doubt wrong.
Norway trip - 2004-07-08 |
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