|
what if I've made a mistake? -- 2002-12-28 This is by far the weirdest "dating" experience yet. Marnie and I have yet to go on a real date, although we went for a three hour drive on Boxing Day evening, and last night she came to my Christmas party, even though she didn't know anyone there. She got along really great with all my St. John's friends whom I've known for ages (from high school) and who are all really academic and straight. She talked a lot to Anita because of their common bond (love of animals), which I thought was great, because then I could relax and not have to worry about Marnie feeling left out. What's the problem? She's totally cute and funny. But on our drive two nights ago, I found out a *lot* about her. And some of those things just plain freaked me out. We played twenty questions, and it turned into more like one hundred. We asked each other everything under the sun. It was fun at the beginning, learning new things, but it got personal, quickly, and I'm disgusted at myself for sharing what I did. As far as I'm concerned we told each other things that were way too personal for that stage of the game. I think we've sabotaged it now! I know things about her that I think I would have forgiven her for, had I been in love with her, but now, it seems like something I may not be able to get past. She's very very experienced sexually, and I am not. She told me some of the things she's done, and they are things I wouldn't dream of doing. Maybe I'm a prude. Maybe she's done more living than I ever will. I don't know. But I don't want to be with someone who is that experienced, for some reason. I am super intimidated first of all. If we ever slept together I would be so completely embarrassed for my lack of experience. Then I would be freaked out that she would want to do something I would not be ready for! I knew we had little in common, and at first that attracted me. It still does in some way. She's the epitome of the "bad girl" - and that's exciting. She calls me Snow White because she thinks I'm so innocent. But we are attracted to each other. I think if we were to date, it wouldn't go towards a relationship. It would probably be like sleeping together. The question is, am I ready for that? Before even having a date, though, she has met my parents and made a great impression. She got along okay enough with my straight-laced academic friends. She loves my sister's dog. She's hot. Why the hell am I so apprehensive?
Norway trip - 2004-07-08 |
 .gif)     
|