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decisions -- 2002-12-16 Spent the day cleaning out my old bedroom, throwing away old notes and tests from my undergrad, clearing away space for the rest of my possessions that arrive tomorrow on the bus, from Calgary. I don't have a clue where most of it is going to go, this room is *small*, but at least I can store a lot of it in Sue's room when she goes back to Toronto. Ugh, I am so confused about my life. Should I stay in St. John's, do my Ph.D., and save money whilst living with Mom and Dad? Get a job, and get out of here as quickly as possible? Try and get a job in Ottawa and go back up there? Today I was listening to a Tone Cluster cd and I got so lonely. Ottawa was really wonderful in so many ways. The gay community is a lot bigger, and I really felt a part of it. I made a true effort to find friends, and I did. I belonged to a choir, I went to school and completed an M.A., I dated. Now I'm in St. John's, and I feel so secluded. Will I meet a community of my own? Will I go back to school now or save it for later? How long will I be able to live here without going truly insane? My sister's dog is here, I'm totally allergic, and not comfortable. My brother drives me beserk. I don't have a lot of privacy. And St. John's' public transit stinks - not only making it harder to get around, but gives the complete and utter feeling of being trapped. If I get accepted into MUN I could work until September, make some decent money and then just throw myself into my program. Live here for a year or so until I can really and truly afford to move out. This is a transition period, I have to keep remembering that. I feel trapped now, but it's better to stay here and save money - that's the smarter thing to do. If I don't get accepted into MUN I have two options, I can try to get a job here or I can try to get a job in Ottawa. Is everybody's life this fucked up? I just wish someone could make the decisions for me.
Norway trip - 2004-07-08 |
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