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tears falling -- 2002-12-10 At the library now, counting down the hours till I arrive home. It's not that home is going to be perfect, but it will be a refuge, and that is what I'm counting on. I just want to get away, further and further from the tiring experience that has been Calgary. I liked working at the bookstore (I had my last day yesterday) and had I not moved here I wouldn't have gotten to meet and get to know Karmen. So I don't regret those things. It's not all bad. But I still have a lot of rage towards AMS, and I think I will for a long time. My personal expenses were high, and they have not taken any responsibility worth talking about. Much of my money problems are to blame. Sigh. I take a breath every now and then, say Sarah, forget this, forget them, relax and let it go. It's best to let go of anger and rage. It's best to look towards what you have and not towards what you don't. For instance, I bought everybody's Christmas gifts on a huge budget this year, but I did it! Another bright star in my night. Right now I am listening to "Strong and Proud", the official cd from the Toronto GALA (Gay and Lesbian Association) 2002 festival! Tone Cluster and the Ottawa Gay Men's Chorus are on it, as well as gay and lesbian choruses from all over Canada. Tears have been slipping down my face the entire night as I play it over and over. Partly because I miss my friends that I met through both choirs, but also, because to have an lbgt movement and choral movement in Canada come together like that is just the most wonderful thing. And so meaningful to someone like me, the joining of my two passions. The songs have beautiful themes, one of them really touched me: "one human race, separated by geography, still our hearts can sense that we are many parts of a whole, how different can we really be?" The next GALA festival is in Vancouver in 2006, and I want to be somewhere where I can go. I have been thinking that maybe I can move back to Ottawa after my coursework in my Ph.D., that way I wouldn't be there forever, I could be potentially back in Ottawa in 2 years. If it isn't possible, I'm starting a gay and lesbian choir in St. John's and I'll direct it myself. Still, the tears come for other reasons too. Maybe I'm not doing so well off of my anti-depressants. It's been two weeks without them now. And I'm definitely moodier, more on edge, and more likely to cry. I cry when I'm angry and frustrated too. It seems that I feel the coldness of people a lot more. I'm thinking now of turning to St. John's wort, instead of being on a doctor prescribed antidepressant. I just hate being this crying mess. Of course I am going through some major changes right now though. It's so hard to determine if this is who I really am or if this is circumstancial, because something bad seems to happen fairly regularly. If anyone is still reading, thank you. Thank you for being my friend.
Norway trip - 2004-07-08 |
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