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tired of it all -- 2002-12-19 Four pills left. I know I shouldn't be counting, that I should be happy to be getting off the effexor, but I'm irritable, extremely anxious, and very teary. Are these withdrawal symptoms? Am I really ready to get off them? I've just been on them for so long, it seems, I really want to give my body a break, see if I can do it. But can I live with my body through these changes? I may need a lot of support in the next few weeks. I feel like I'm falling, drifting, somewhere scary and unknown. Don't be surprised if I email you, weeping and not making any sense. Just hold me okay? Oh if only that were possible. I'm sick of metaphorical bullshit. I'm so tired of being the caregiver. I want my sister to feel better, not worse. I want someone to take care of me for a change. I want to just lean on someone. I miss my therapist. I miss just crying and spouting out all my feelings, and her just being "there." Why did I have to move to goddamn Calgary? I should have stayed where I was. I wouldn't be so poor and I wouldn't be so depressed. I would still be seeing Jane and I might actually have found a job in music. I miss my friends in Ottawa. Now I'm going to St. John's, because it's rent free, but what if my parents drive me insane? What if I can't find a job there? What ifs shouldn't exist though. You're not supposed to ask because it's impossible to go into the future. That's easy for the self-help books to say. THEY don't have anxiety. Home in less than a month. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. Yup, a major feature of depression. Maybe I'm not well at all. Maybe I should be getting a different med, not getting off them entirely. Jesus.
Norway trip - 2004-07-08 |
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