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uncertainty -- 2002-11-07 Feeling low and gray, rainy like the weather. Hopelessly wishing I would somehow become a millionaire, and wouldn't that solve all my problems? Instead I go, day by day, bill by bill, working in a bookstore and just scraping by. I hate money so much. It stresses me out, makes me anxious and irritable. Is it no coincidence that at the time when I probably need it the most, I'm supposed to be weaning off my antidepressants? I only have two weeks left, which I'm supposed to stretch into three, and I certainly don't have the money to go and get more, with no health insurance. I have been feeling that the effexor plateaud a while ago, and maybe I should switch brands or something. But I can't afford it now, so it looks like I will be drug free in a little less than a month. Will I be able to do it? I am thinking, maybe I will, because the effexor isn't doing anything now anyway, I'm on a such a low dose. Maybe that's why I feel so down? Maybe I should be on zoloft or celexa or a different kind? Oh what does it matter, I can't afford it anyway. On a completely different matter, I have been thinking about the future, and what I should do with my life. I wandered over to Memorial University's website, into a page that got me so excited, the folklore department, where I could study Newfoundland music and get a Ph.D. for it. MUN Folklore Dept. Am I crazy to be thinking I could do this? As I was looking at the page I was really feeling that this is something I want to do now. I would apply for Dec., for Sept. enrollment. I knew I would always do my Ph.D., I just couldn't decide on when. And now might be perfect, since I'm not tied down to a girlfriend, city or job. I could do it now, before I really get the maternal twinge, and I *know* I won't go back to school when I am in a good job, making money. So maybe, logically, this is the best time?! I know I can teach and lecture. I did it at Carleton and I loved it. Maybe this is what I'm meant to do. And I can apply for scholarships, and maybe a student loan if I had to. What do you all think?
Norway trip - 2004-07-08 |
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